She sacrificed her life for my happiness.
Like the man in the crucifix.
She loved me long before I even knew myself.
And it was too late when I understood,
That I was her addiction.
Her most precious obsession.

I met Margaretha in one of those late night parties in Singalong Street. And there was instant "bells on a hill" magic. She fascinated me. And I fascinated her. But something was amiss. Although she was perfect, I was not perfect for her. So I kept her out of my mind, hoping she will forget me. Hoping I will forget her.
But then something drew us together. Like the statues of saints and virgins. Like the sacred relics and sapphire rosaries that reminds me of jasmine scent. That reminds me of what is beautiful and everlasting.

I did not want to let you go Margaretha.
I do not want to let you go.
I want to forever be your addiction.
But you wanted to forget about me.
You wanted to stop loving me even for a moment.

I have never been fond of the shadows because I never wanted to hide.
But it's different now. The world is different. So much has happened and I feel I need to forget about these addictions. There are rules now. Rules to be followed and respected.
If my mentors could see me now, they would be ashamed of me.
Cast me in the dark waters where they molded me.
For they taught me to fight for what was right, honorable and true.
And I was suppose to replace them
When it was their time to retire.

But I was reckless.

I burned the world around me.
I, who thought knew everything.
Who thought knew the nature of these addictions.
Who played with fire like I was her master.

Was finally burned to the ground.

So I have to disappear for now.
Fade in the shadows
And allow the darkness
to shelter me

She stood at the back of the ship hoping to see the last glimpse of him. The sun was starting to set. And soon she will have to face the treacherous spirits which abound these waters.
Her prince did not see it. He did not know the sacrifice she made just so she can see him. How she offered her voice to the sea hag in exchange for one day that she can be with him. Or how she rebelled against her father for one stupid kiss. Abandoning what was suppose to be her duty, her birthright to rule the seven seas.

Yet she understands everything now. Perfectly. And she's not afraid anymore.
It doesn't matter. Just let them come.

And so she dove, head first. To be devoured by those ravenous spirits.

Towards the ancient ocean where she promised her undying love. Where she saw a force so powerful it overwhelmed her.

And in one final gesture, the great spirits of the ocean offered her a place where she will forever be remembered - among the waves and the gentle song of the seagulls.

It is true what they say, you know. When you are at the lowest point of your life, these beings comfort you and make all those demons disappear. Vanish and just like that, the world becomes new again and beautiful.
When I was mugged a long long time ago, I met her. She was a law student back then and her life was legendary. Like the great Archangels who saved paradise from the Light Bringer. She was one of them. More powerful than the cherubs. And more beautiful than the devil.
She taught me that I should file the robbery charge even though they may never catch the one who mugged me because it was now a crime against the state and not the person. It was fascinating how she argued her case. And naturally, I fell in love. For she was my protector. My avenging angel.
We would go out and she would bring me to those fancy restaurants all expense paid. To theaters and CPKs and it was always the same. She would regal me with stories about people who went through their lives fighting for what they believe was right. And I would watch her strike down those demons like it was her duty, her obligation to rid the world of the unjust and the unholy.

Until I realized I did not need avenging anymore.

I stood by the bedside staring at her naked body. Trying to remember who she is. What she is. A dark creature. No more no less.
So I tried to kiss her. I wanted to get it over with. Make love to her so that my addiction with her will end. Then again something held me. A voice inside begging me to wait. That patience is a virtue and it is not yet time for us.
So instead of making love, I told her I love her. Like what I tell my other playmates when the night becomes unbearable and they start to see the man behind the mask. I also told her of my obsessions and how they can become twisted and crazy at times.
I was lying of course. For someone who has seen what fire does, I know deep down that love is no more than an addiction. It burns and pretty soon it will loose its meaning. Like obsessions. Like the tingling feeling that rubs you off your flesh. Yes, all addictions given ample time will eventually dissipate. Disappear. Like Cotton candies. Like butterflies in your stomach.

And yet this night was unlike any other night. This dark creature in front of me was different. So I have to offer her something more than vile flesh. For we are bounded together by more than flesh, or love, or friendship or any of those dark imaginings. Bounded together by something old.

And just like that. I remember what it was - the promise I swore a long time ago in Batangas. For with the sea as my witness, I stupidly made an oath to GoD that if he ever gave me the heart of this dark cherub, I will forever be his servant. Once a year, I will spend my time with charity. Whatever that meant for me. I was reckless of course for using an ancient spirit like the ocean to bear witness to my addictions.

It's a good thing it hasn't happened yet. It would have been a binding deal.

So I simply held her hand. Kissed it. And let her hugged me like it was the last night of the world.

I left Laguna knowing that some promises should never have been made. And yet as I was staring at her with the spaghetti and meatballs and the lemon flavored iced tea that night in Hotel Sofitel, I was suddenly scared.

For here in her small gesture, she was already giving me her heart.

In tiny bits and pieces.

We walked passed old buildings and scenic views in UP Los Banos I didn't want to be reminded of. Then again she was persistent. So I conceded. The Old CAS building. Baker Hall. The Carillion Tower. The YMCA dormitory. Places I used to find fascination with.
I was a great guide, she told me. I suspect she must have not had many guides before. Or she was lying. Like what I usually say whenever I feel the need to please someone.
But then in that picturesque moment, she did something uncanny.

She shared her Lemon flavored Ice tea bottle with me.

And there it was again, for someone who wanted to find meaning in such simple gestures, it meant a lot. That she was sharing her life with me. That she was giving me permission to know her. In tiny bits and pieces.

And I was fascinated.

It was a bad night to start with. There was an eerie feeling when we boarded the bus. Something I didn't understand. But I went anyway. Besides it was my friend's birthday party. I have a filial obligation. A duty of sorts.
So I went back to where it all started. In UPLB. In a place where life began for me. But this time, I came prepared for I was with my dark cherub. The most precious of all my addictions.
Halfway through the party, I began to imagine how incredibly boring life would have been if it weren't for these people. Although most of them were from the next generation, I still felt some sort of affiliation. So I gave my advice to the next generation and laugh when I had to to.
Until my dark cherub shared with me her spaghetti and meatballs plate.

And it was there in that moment, I realized I did not own her.
She owned me.