There's this song I really like listening
every time I'm alone again.
No one to turn. No one to go to.

Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now

And everytime I listen to that song.
I remember Vanessa.
Those rows and flows of angel hair
And the way her head falls gently over my chest.

She was always looking for something grand
Something I couldn't quite comprehend
And I guess it was of late that I realized
It was meaning she was searching

Not sex,
Not love,
And certainly not addictions

So I dedicate this ode
For her longings
For those moons and junes
and ferris wheels

And for her dream of finding
those ice cream castles
in the air

I tried writing about you Dimsum
Countless times
Changed my stories every single time
Because at first I thought
It was the green CRV
that had me hooked.
Or the free dumplings you gave me at Tomas Morato
Or the fact that you had alabaster skin
Like those pretty schoolgirls of Assumption

But you were never from that school
In fact it was from some fancy school I didn't even know
Which lead me to think
That just because you had a green CRV
And you had alabaster skin
And powerful friends
I thought
You were rich and powerful
And intelligent
And kind

But I was wrong of course
Bad judge of character
So I write today about you
thinking
My God what was that all about

You did not give me anything to write on Dimsum
No idiosyncrasies
No habits
No longings
And certainly no addictions

It is always fascinating to her Dr. Rebosa talk. When I was still a medical student, I remember his lessons on how to escape those kotong cops by mere wit and charm. Of course, I could never be as lawyerly as he is. I mean he rocks.
So anyway his topic was very much alive even at 8 in the morning. While most delegates were busy making coffee, he was actually discussing all the things that I thought I already knew as a physician. Apparently, as I eventually found out, I still lacked exposure with the real world.
Case 1. A doctor was handcuffed and detained by the police for allegedly conspiring to kill a patient in front of the media that is. It was horrible because of the fact that even the NURSES were included. And somehow when Dr. Rebosa talked about it, I can't help but feel the pain of the doctor. Is this how we are being portrayed? Don't we have rights? Are we even aware of our rights as doctors?
Case 2. An anesthesiologist settled with a 7 figure sum for allegedly causing comatose to a patient.
Case 3. A cardiologist also settled with about 4 million for allegedly ordering a treadmill test and while the patient was on the treadmill, the patient apparently died.

I know, those non doctors are thinking but somebody just died. Who is responsible? Isn't it the doctor? Alangan naman the patient pa? Or maybe the technicians who didn't do anything while the patient had chest pain.

Complicated I know. Because the first premise is that doctors are not Gods and second and most important, there is no such thing as 100% in science, even in diagnosis. So it's really tough. And when somebody files a lawsuit on you, it will take its toll. Heavily. Besides the fact that you were not able to save the patient who trusted everything to you, you get to deal with lawyers.

So his answer? Defensive Medicine. And refer. Yes, refer those Pilosopo Tasyo's to those classmates you hated in medicine. I mean he was right is saying it is just not worth it. Four hundred pesos for a lawsuit waiting to happen? Good riddance.

There I was listening to him talk lawyerly about the present predicament of doctors when I suddenly realized, sooner or later those cases that I just read about will happen to my colleagues, or even to me. And soon the Dr. Rebosa's of the world will retire. When that time comes, who will defend me? Do I even know my rights? And my obligations?

Interesting times. Especially with that ABS CBN reporter lambasting Filipino doctors left and right. I do hope she really understands what she is fighting for. Or that she realizes the implications of her actions. Because it is easy to say that you are fighting for truth with just one experience of a loved ones death.

But it is altogether another thing to actually understand suffering and seeing people loose their loved ones magnified thousands of times. From leprosy to Tetanus to HIV. Like what we experience every freaking day of our duties from clerkship, internship, residency to even being consultants. Is she even aware that we are at risk or acquiring PTB, Hepatitis, HIV and a whole lot of diseases she just even reads about?

She does not understand. Like all those before her, she thinks that by spending a segment on Pulmonary Tuberculosis she will know what Tuberculosis really is all about.

She does not comprehend that it takes more than a big mouth to carry the caduceus.

I went to a convention today. You know one of those nice snippets where they get to present all these latest advancement in technology, science and treatment modalities. I actually just went there because I was expecting to get a pillow but there were only these pens and bags and a whole lot of crap.
Then halfway through the convention I got interested. I think because there was all this talk about infections. Oh you know, those sexually transmitted infections. Hepatitis, HIV you name it and they got it. And it was weird. Weird because the speaker seems to be stating statistics and there was no clear discussion on treatment modalities. Does he realize that HIV has become a chronic disease as of 2008? Or that it's not actually a death sentence anymore. Unless of course you don't take those antiretrovirals and we know you'll eventually end 6 feet underground.
So I guess its fine to go unprotected sex once again. I'm kidding of course. Wear those condoms please. Other physicians reading this blog might think of me as renegade doctor. In the same league as those who advertise sillimarin capsules or Athro. I mean I wouldn't want to besmirch the reputation of the Filipino physicians. Besides, those antiretrovirals really cost a lot. I mean A LOT

There is hope he said. I like his last message and the power point presentation. But the weird thing was that he seems to believe that abstinence is the key to preventing the spread of the disease. A for abstinence. It was really like this kindergarten song. A your adorable, B your so beautiful.
Is it just me or are we back to the middle ages once again? What ever happened to condoms?

There's this other thing he mentioned that made me smile. He said the Lewinsky-Clinton thing can also spread the disease. I was smiling because I was thinking if there was really a study done on that. I mean those who prefer Oral sex proceed to Room 1 and those who do not like oral sex to Room 2. Would you choose Room 1 or Room 2? Or both? Assuming of course the real deal is in Room 3. So you know how hard it is to make up a conclusion about sexual practices right? We can't just enumerate all these practices and say, this causes that. It has to be backed by evidence. Everything these days has to be backed with evidence.

Please understand that in the end, medicine is an ever-changing science. And that what we practice today will eventually change. I mean Vioxx used to be very in before but with now we don't use it anymore. Or remember the weight reduction drug Adifax?

To those non physicians who read this blog please understand that doctors are also human beings. Meaning they also get scared of what they do not understand. I mean I got scared when I saw my nth case of Meningococemia few months ago. But we are mandated by our conscience and our laws to show compassion at the very least.

I hope something exciting happens again tomorrow. So at least I can get my 2500 worth of membership dues.

It started with Annie. The sun will come out tomorrow kind of Annie. Although her name was not Annie. And just remembering her, clears away my cobwebs and my sorrow. She really did clear away all my cobwebs, at least for a time when I was alone in Laguna.
When I was alone with nothing but sad letters and pathetic love songs, she introduced me to her family in Alabang.

You see she wanted to take up Medicine and I also wanted to take up medicine. She wanted to conquer the world and I also wanted the world. We were almost the same. Very much the same. Even in our fears.

Then my day begins with simple thoughts of you. Hoping that tomorrow will be me and you.
Sharing dreams with each other. And making them come true.

So I cornered her. That one night in Bioscience. Almost made out with her. But there was also other forces at play. The UP Police roaming and I guess I too was not ready. I was still afraid of what it might do to us. To me. And she was contented with being just friends.

I've known you for so long you are a friend of mine. But is this all we'll ever be. I've known you ever since you are a friend of mine. Babe is this all we ever could be?

So I just told her things she'd never known. But hid the fact that I was in love with her. So she went on and had someone else. Someone who was famous and who also wanted to become a doctor.

All those sleepness nights . All the tears I've cried. All the pain I've kept inside.
Was it just a dream that you said to me. That there was someone new in your life.

There were moments when I wanted to die for such a betrayal. To end my misery. Unrequited love is the worst of its kind. Why couldn't she wait for me?

But when I'm stuck with a day thats gray and lonely. I just stick out my chin and grin and say
the sun will come out tomorrow so I got to hang on 'til tomorrow.

And the sun did. After passing the boards, we saw each other again. We are both physicians now. But there was nothing there. No more butterflies in my stomach.

So while the song still brings that certain low. And the world still sings of love I know. It isn't quite the way it was before.

I suddenly realized I've grown past those Lea Salonga songs.

I understand everything now. The nature of these addictions. How they seduce and control me like a puppet on a string. I always thought that since I never had a childhood, I was merely compensating for it. But like everything else I thought I knew, I was wrong. There is always a deeper meaning to everything. Or so my amazon princess lead me to believe.

You see when I first started with these addictions, everything was new and exciting. Everything was beautiful. Like Chocolait. Like Mango Passion Fruit. Like Apple Berry Freeze. And I guess as time passed by, I realized they were only beautiful because I coveted them. Because I wanted to own them. To taste their every curve, their every scent like they belonged to no one but to me. To torture them until the only name that comes out of their mouth is mine, and mine alone.
But there was always something missing in every encounter. In every secret. Something I could never quite understand. Until now.
When storm signal number 3 ravaged Manila, I was left with nothing but my pen. So I started writing again. About Diana of Themiscyra and her golden lasso. About my grade shool professor and her daring adventures with the Justice League. And even though I failed my teacher countless times as these addictions have started to consume me, I am still grateful. Grateful that she has instilled in me my worth before these obsessions overpowered me. Grateful that I will burn with her like wild fire. Not like Ice. Cold and unrelenting.
Oh yes, Fire. Like my wild things encounter. And with this fire, I will burn the world I know. Like the legendary phoenix. Make it disappear. Remember it no more. Just like that. And change. Perhaps into someone better. Or worst. Someone I will not even know. And soon I will have to find comfort in the fact that these addictions no longer fit my life. No. No more. There has to be something better than these.

I guess my amazon princess already taught me all I needed to know. After showing me her golden lasso, thousands and thousands of nights ago. She already changed me. I simply forgot about our encounter.