I should have just joined my dark cherub and not take the job that day but I decided not to go with her. So instead I almost got infected with an almost deadly disease. Almost. I'm exaggerating because the final diagnosis was actually that of a Cryptococcal type of meningitis but I couldn't take the fear that there was a possibility of a meningococcal meningitis. There was no rash which was diagnostic for Meningococcemia but just to be safe, I, together with everyone in that hospital took Ciprofloxacin(Ciprobay) 500 mg once as prophylaxis. Afterall no lumbar puncture was ever done.

Panic. You how it is. People scurrying and wearing masks all of the sudden. Fear and anger gripped the entire hospital staff. And just like that everybody forgot about the patient.

Except me.

You see I could not stay away from her eyes. There was pure madness. I understood what was happening to her. How slowly her higher brain functions were being ravaged by that elusive organism. Meningitis. That's how I know what it means. She was just 68 and she just came from quiapo church when all the symptoms started. I must have seen her when I went to a medical mission few weeks ago. She must have been happy then. I picture her praying inside the church. Praying to that man in the picture.

Seizures. More seizures. I gave her a dose of Diazepam 1 ampule. Her level of consciousness was deteriorating fast. Advised for intubation. And just when I thought, how could the God she worshiped be so cruel, she finally expired.

And the world I knew suddenly turned upside down.

There's a song I always remember every time I hear the word Guardian Angel - Kermit's Rainbow Connection. Its sound's childish, I know, but a long time ago when I still believed in angels, I always thought angels lived in rainbows.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side.

It was then decided with that song in mind that my next pit stop towards finding meaning and touch was the toy giving mission among pediatric patients in Metro Manila.

Back then of course, I didn't understand Kermit when he said that rainbows are visions and only illusions. And I guess after biology, philosophy and my travels with nihilism and existentialism, I am proud to say that I still do not understand him.

Who says that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on a morning star?

So I concentrated on what can be understood and described in detail. Wishes. Dreams to a certain extent. And since we all wished for something when we were children, I concentrated on that longing for better toys and bigger G.I Joe's.

What I found was something that cannot be described - a child's smile.

I wished for so many things under the star every night. Better grades. Becoming taller and more good looking. Wishing that I will have my love returned. And although I never got them, I am grateful that for that brief Christmas moment, I made a child smile.

Someday I know, I'll find it - the rainbow connection. The lovers. The dreamers and me.